Research Publications

In this groundbreaking study, we examine the curious phenomenon whereby 87% of quiz participants identify as 'sourdough' despite statistical impossibility. Through rigorous analysis of 10,000+ quiz responses, we demonstrate that bread-based personality assessments suffer from what we term 'Artisanal Bias'—the tendency for individuals to self-select into categories perceived as more sophisticated. Our findings suggest that actual distribution should be: 3% sourdough, 45% wonder bread, 52% 'bread we found behind the couch.' We propose a new framework for honest bread-soul alignment.

This comprehensive meta-analysis examines 47 potato-personality correlation studies published between 2020-2024. Results indicate strong consensus that 'russet' personalities exhibit higher levels of reliability (p < 0.001), while 'fingerling' types demonstrate increased creativity but decreased punctuality (p < 0.05). Surprisingly, no participants have ever identified as 'instant mashed,' suggesting either measurement error or widespread denial. We call for immediate research into the psychological mechanisms underlying potato-self-concept formation and its implications for french fry consumption patterns.

We present evidence that quiz answers exist in superposition until observed by the results page. Our double-blind study (n=3,847) demonstrates that participants who peek at results mid-quiz collapse the wavefunction prematurely, resulting in 34% less accurate personality profiles. Furthermore, we observe spooky action at a distance: when one user discovers they are 'definitely a croissant,' their friend simultaneously becomes 'probably a bagel' regardless of geographic separation. These findings have profound implications for the fundamental nature of personality quizzes and suggest that results may be predetermined by cosmic forces beyond our control.

This longitudinal study (2019-2024) tracks 500 individuals before and after receiving quiz results indicating bagel-hood. Findings reveal significant life changes: 67% reported increased cream cheese consumption, 43% moved to New York, and 89% experienced existential crisis upon realizing they have a hole in the middle of their personality. Economic analysis shows bagel-identified individuals spend 23% more on breakfast items but report 15% higher life satisfaction. We discuss implications for public health policy and whether insurance should cover everything bagel seasoning.

The 'vibe check' has emerged as a dominant methodology in contemporary personality assessment, yet its scientific rigor remains unexamined. Our systematic review of 200+ vibe-based studies reveals alarming inconsistencies: inter-rater reliability of vibes is only 12%, and the same individual can produce 'immaculate vibes' and 'sus vibes' within minutes. We attempted to develop a standardized vibe measurement protocol but our equipment (a random number generator and a Magic 8-Ball) produced conflicting results. We conclude that vibes may be fundamentally unmeasurable and call for a moratorium on vibe-based research until better instruments are developed.

Building on previous work in food-based personality typing, we present a novel 12-dimensional framework mapping pizza topping preferences to core personality traits. Through factor analysis of 8,000+ responses, we identify key dimensions including 'pineapple tolerance' (r=0.89 with openness), 'anchovy acceptance' (r=0.76 with conscientiousness), and 'cheese quantity preference' (r=0.93 with extraversion). Notably, individuals who select 'plain cheese' exhibit what we term 'topping avoidance syndrome,' characterized by fear of commitment and decision paralysis. Our model achieves 94% accuracy in predicting whether someone will argue about pineapple on pizza at parties.

We investigate the psychological mechanisms underlying compulsive quiz-taking behavior, focusing on the ubiquitous Disney Princess personality assessment. Eye-tracking studies reveal that 94% of participants cannot resist clicking despite knowing the quiz is 'probably dumb.' fMRI data shows activation in the same brain regions associated with gambling and checking if the refrigerator has new food since 5 minutes ago. Our intervention study found that even showing participants their 47 previous quiz results (all 'Belle') failed to reduce clicking behavior. We propose that quiz susceptibility may be an evolutionary adaptation, though for what purpose remains unclear.

Recent proliferation of furniture-personality quizzes has outpaced methodological development, leading to what we term the 'replication crisis in chair science.' Our study administered the same chair quiz to 1,000 participants at two time points (1 week apart). Results showed only 8% received the same chair type both times, with one participant receiving 'bean bag,' 'throne,' and 'folding chair' across three attempts. We argue that chair-based assessments lack the theoretical foundation of more established methods (e.g., bread typing, potato profiling) and may be pseudoscience. The field must return to first principles: what even is a chair? Can we truly know our chair-selves?